My school has an amazing creative writing magazine called Pillars of Salt, and a monologue I wrote was published in the Spring 2017 issue earlier this year. Since the magazine content is only seen by students at my school, I wanted to share my monologue about Kellyanne Conway with all of my wonderful Zeitgeist readers. I just had too much fun writing this to resist. I hope you all enjoy this piece as much as I loved writing it.
For once, Kellyanne told the Truth. I was the one hiding in the White House microwave.
Harvey Levin, this is all your fault! When my boss at TMZ told me that I’d have to wiretap the President, I thought I’d just have to find a way into the Oval Office and put a bug on the phone or something. I can’t believe I’m in a microwave. I can’t believe I actually agreed to do this. And it’s hot in here. And it’s so… ugly. Who knew microwaves had the ability to be so heinous? Kellyanne ordered a new microwave, of course made of all gold, completely distasteful just like everything else in the Trump House. I mean, Gold House. No! I mean White House. It’s also ridiculously out of scale— it’s a Trumpian microwave. I snuck in on the delivery truck. Well, I didn’t exactly sneak in. Harvey Levin, my boss, pushed me in, and locked the back. He wanted to conceal his identity, so I’ll take the fall for this. I’ve always told myself that as a true tabloid journalist, I would do anything for a good story. But this is sinking low, even for me. Wait, what was that sound? Oh my God, it’s Donald! What is that shirt he’s wearing? No way. It says I Heart Meryl Streep. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I knew he didn’t really hate Meryl Streep! No one can hate her! He’s coming closer. Oh no. He’s reaching into the microwave! He’s putting in a… hot pocket? He has personal chefs all over the White House, and he chooses a hot pocket? Seriously? Well of course he does… he also eats KFC with a silver fork. This man has no idea what he’s doing in any aspect of his life. Oh no, it’s getting really hot in here. I think my face is burning! I am not meant to survive in a microwave! And Kellyanne’s ridiculous comment about Trump being wiretapped through a microwave? Well, it wasn’t so ridiculous. For once it was not an alternative fact. She actually told the truth. I think she might be onto me; I have to get out of here tonight. Oh, thank God! The door of the microwave just opened again. That hot pocket looks like it’s oozing everywhere. Gross. And why is he eating that right now? It’s 2am! Maybe he’s stress-eating. You know how people always say that presidents age overnight? I don’t even want to imagine the orange, wrinkled, tangerine with a patch of blonde hair four years from now. But maybe he won’t even age because he won’t stress that much. But I don’t think he’s too prepared for this job. Right now, he’s talking to Eric about international relations. What knowledge could he possibly have to help his father? I guess he knows how to hunt in international territory, but that’s about it, and that is not helping anyone! Oh no! Now he’s FaceTiming Eric! Oh my God, that hair! Is it possible that it’s worse than Donald’s? I really hope my people back at the TMZ offices in LA are getting all of this. I sincerely hope they hear this conversation and that I get the credit because I am lying down, with gold face paint on, trying to blend into a colossal microwave. What has this world come to? Giant microwaves and gold face paint? What has my career come to? Well, I suppose it’s all up from here. I hope I don’t get arrested.
Featured image source: VICE.